Exhausting, draining, distressing, and thoroughly challenging -- this is how I describe 2016.
If the advice, "you're not the only one struggling and going through tough times in life so don't take it seriously" has some effect on others, then it's no comfort for me. I've set my standards too high -- walls too high that perfection itself is a stumbling block to what I really want to achieve. Often, I feel like I wanted to do things because I wanted the reward and not the experience; that I would plan but not live in the moment. Surely, there's no harm in planning nor there is in being goal-oriented and aiming for success.
The harm is when it becomes your life -- when your big dreams and big goals become your ruler when it should be the other way around. And then it becomes so tiring so you end up being frustrated.
But who knows frustration can be a blessing as well? I've been utterly disappointed in many things last year that I lost count of the times where I only cried soundly in my room because apparently there weren't any right words to soothe me. There was only His words and my complaints. There was only His comfort and my pain. God and me. His love and my love for Him.
One night, as I was kneeling and praying, God has lead me to this passage: Isaiah 54:17 - "...no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me," declares the LORD.
The truth is, I was bothered of what tomorrow may bring me. Would I pass my thesis defense? Would I get a high grade for this output? And so on that particularly involves my college life. With all humility, I told God that I already did the best that I can do, so it was now his work to make his breakthrough. I told him that I want people to see His glory in me -- for them to blessed as well because I carry my Father's heritage. And indeed, He never fails. I am thankful because in my every accomplishment, God stood with me. I am thankful because my prayers had not been in vain.
"He who kneels before God can stand before anyone." - I love this quote so much because I've proven it many times now. And when praying just seems too difficult, I am reminded that I only need a sincere heart because God himself will guide me. "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." (Romans 8:26).
So this 2017, I am expecting more challenges, perhaps bigger than the previous ones. After all, life struggles are always there but our choice on how we're going to deal with them prevails. As for me, I shall continue to pray and pray and pray, and follow His words because apart from Him, I know I am nothing.
If the advice, "you're not the only one struggling and going through tough times in life so don't take it seriously" has some effect on others, then it's no comfort for me. I've set my standards too high -- walls too high that perfection itself is a stumbling block to what I really want to achieve. Often, I feel like I wanted to do things because I wanted the reward and not the experience; that I would plan but not live in the moment. Surely, there's no harm in planning nor there is in being goal-oriented and aiming for success.
The harm is when it becomes your life -- when your big dreams and big goals become your ruler when it should be the other way around. And then it becomes so tiring so you end up being frustrated.
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| (Source: https://mayazankoul.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/5-overworked.jpg?w=450) |
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The truth is, I was bothered of what tomorrow may bring me. Would I pass my thesis defense? Would I get a high grade for this output? And so on that particularly involves my college life. With all humility, I told God that I already did the best that I can do, so it was now his work to make his breakthrough. I told him that I want people to see His glory in me -- for them to blessed as well because I carry my Father's heritage. And indeed, He never fails. I am thankful because in my every accomplishment, God stood with me. I am thankful because my prayers had not been in vain.
"He who kneels before God can stand before anyone." - I love this quote so much because I've proven it many times now. And when praying just seems too difficult, I am reminded that I only need a sincere heart because God himself will guide me. "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." (Romans 8:26).
So this 2017, I am expecting more challenges, perhaps bigger than the previous ones. After all, life struggles are always there but our choice on how we're going to deal with them prevails. As for me, I shall continue to pray and pray and pray, and follow His words because apart from Him, I know I am nothing.
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