Yes, the title says it all.
I often hate myself for being too kind, understanding, and most of all optimistic; when I have been wishing to keep the pain so the people who have mistreated me would just shy away because they would feel my hatred. I know this sounds too "unhealthy", but I also know everyone has--or may still be experiencing the same feeling. At some point, you knew that "forgiving" would cost you too much, yet you had to let go because you have to free yourself.
So how did I come up with such a vague statement? Because after letting go of the burden and being able to smile genuinely to the person who has caused me pain, I would question myself if I ever value my pride. For others, you are strong when you know how to distance and ignore those people--apologetic or not. Some says you are cool if you stood up to you enemy. But perhaps there's just a variety of defense mechanism and it so happened that mine is simply not too complicated.
Whenever I feel wronged, I know it's normal to be angry or sad. I tend to be sad and for some reasons I encounter emptiness. I could sleep for 13 hours or more, or date myself with really nowhere to go to, or work nonstop when I'm emotionally hurting. Most of the time I would solve my sorrow all by myself, knowing that no one could ever soothe me except that one person whom I might still want to be back in my life. Most of the time I would wait. But waiting means longing, and longing means heartache.
When I could no longer endure it, I knew seeking help would make me feel better; I knew I had to pray because my human instincts alone could never ease my growing pain. Those were the moments when I get to realize that it's fine to be weak sometimes, because weak moments will strengthen you further; and gaining back strength does not mean "pay back time", but an indication that you have overcome the negativity.
Yes, I still hate myself for being too kind sometimes. But at the end of the day, I am happy to realize that I am free.
***
Psalm 28:1-2
"To you, O LORD, I call; My rock, do not be deaf to me, for if you are silent to me, I will become like those who go down to the pit. Hear the voice of my supplications when I cry to you for help, when I lift up my hands toward you holy sanctuary..."
I often hate myself for being too kind, understanding, and most of all optimistic; when I have been wishing to keep the pain so the people who have mistreated me would just shy away because they would feel my hatred. I know this sounds too "unhealthy", but I also know everyone has--or may still be experiencing the same feeling. At some point, you knew that "forgiving" would cost you too much, yet you had to let go because you have to free yourself.
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| Source: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/12/3c/27/123c27912215e230d82377cddd94c8aa.jpg |
So how did I come up with such a vague statement? Because after letting go of the burden and being able to smile genuinely to the person who has caused me pain, I would question myself if I ever value my pride. For others, you are strong when you know how to distance and ignore those people--apologetic or not. Some says you are cool if you stood up to you enemy. But perhaps there's just a variety of defense mechanism and it so happened that mine is simply not too complicated.
Whenever I feel wronged, I know it's normal to be angry or sad. I tend to be sad and for some reasons I encounter emptiness. I could sleep for 13 hours or more, or date myself with really nowhere to go to, or work nonstop when I'm emotionally hurting. Most of the time I would solve my sorrow all by myself, knowing that no one could ever soothe me except that one person whom I might still want to be back in my life. Most of the time I would wait. But waiting means longing, and longing means heartache.
When I could no longer endure it, I knew seeking help would make me feel better; I knew I had to pray because my human instincts alone could never ease my growing pain. Those were the moments when I get to realize that it's fine to be weak sometimes, because weak moments will strengthen you further; and gaining back strength does not mean "pay back time", but an indication that you have overcome the negativity.
Yes, I still hate myself for being too kind sometimes. But at the end of the day, I am happy to realize that I am free.
***
Psalm 28:1-2
"To you, O LORD, I call; My rock, do not be deaf to me, for if you are silent to me, I will become like those who go down to the pit. Hear the voice of my supplications when I cry to you for help, when I lift up my hands toward you holy sanctuary..."
