When future becomes too much of a burden

Are you happy?

Source: Retrogodesses Vintage kids

When you’re having a conversation with your friends, family, relatives, or new acquaintances, are you happy?

Is your mind present or half of it is already thinking about tomorrow?

I remember one meaningful conversation I had with one of my closest friends back in college. I told him I would be working very hard because I want a fortune. I want a car. I want a big house. Everything materialistic under the sun. He laughed at me and said it can’t be done at once. There has to be a process, and it takes time. I was quite immature so I got annoyed at him while he explained that he was just being practical in life. I understood him even then. But in my futuristic point of view, he was a dream-crusher.

Although a writer and a very keen reader of historical fiction, I am, in fact, a futuristic person. Join me in a conversation and talk about your plans or goals in life, you would find me more enthusiastic than ever. I love talking about how I see myself in the future no matter how impossible it may seem. I love thinking that everything that’s happening to me at the moment is a stepping stone to the glorious future that awaits me. I love planning ahead so when I work on something, it has to be close to perfection because my future lies on it.

But I hate worrying about the future.

Whenever I am too happy or laughing too much in a supposed to be leisure time, half of my thoughts are already into sadness that may come later on. There would always be a moment of silence in my mind whispering, ‘hey, don’t be so happy. It won’t last. It won’t last.’

This isn’t healthy for a spiritually growing Christian. Because when you worry too much, you doubt a faithful God!

“And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.

For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

‘Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.’”

(Luke 12:28-32)

I have a Father who is in heaven—who holds everything and makes an empty basket full and overflowing!

It’s not wrong to dream big, aim for excellence, or plan more than what you need. Such character is actually good because it means you are living for a purpose—and so you cannot settle for less. The problem is when you don’t even know how to live in the moment anymore because your future self has eaten you up.

What I normally do when I look at things I want in the future is utter brief prayers in my mind.

Every time I get to see a car display, I would slow down walking, stare at it, and tell my God, ‘Lord, bless me with a car. In your perfect time.’

Every time I find myself overwhelmed with my schedule in the next few days, I would again pray, ‘Lord, just let me find joy in what’s going to happen today.’

Every time I worry that today’s moments would end too soon, I would say briefly, ‘Lord, just let me cherish the moment so I can smile or laugh about them when I’m feeling down.’

And the list of prayers goes on. It’s not everyday that you’re going to encounter or see the same persons, the same events; so make it a habit to condition your mind into having worry-free thoughts.

Live in the moment. 

I hate myself for turning the negative into positive.

Yes, the title says it all.

I often hate myself for being too kind, understanding, and most of all optimistic; when I have been wishing to keep the pain so the people who have mistreated me would just shy away because they would feel my hatred. I know this sounds too "unhealthy", but I also know everyone has--or may still be experiencing the same feeling. At some point, you knew that "forgiving" would cost you too much, yet you had to let go because you have to free yourself.

Source: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/12/3c/27/123c27912215e230d82377cddd94c8aa.jpg

So how did I come up with such a vague statement? Because after letting go of the burden and being able to smile genuinely to the person who has caused me pain, I would question myself if I ever value my pride. For others, you are strong when you know how to distance and ignore those people--apologetic or not. Some says you are cool if you stood up to you enemy. But perhaps there's just a variety of defense mechanism and it so happened that mine is simply not too complicated.

Whenever I feel wronged, I know it's normal to be angry or sad. I tend to be sad and for some reasons I encounter emptiness. I could sleep for 13 hours or more, or date myself with really nowhere to go to, or work nonstop when I'm emotionally hurting. Most of the time I would solve my sorrow all by myself, knowing that no one could ever soothe me except that one person whom I might still want to be back in my life. Most of the time I would wait. But waiting means longing, and longing means heartache.

When I could no longer endure it, I knew seeking help would make me feel better; I knew I had to pray because my human instincts alone could never ease my growing pain. Those were the moments when I get to realize that it's fine to be weak sometimes, because weak moments will strengthen you further; and gaining back strength does not mean "pay back time", but an indication that you have overcome the negativity.

Yes, I still hate myself for being too kind sometimes. But at the end of the day, I am happy to realize that I am free.

***

Psalm 28:1-2
"To you, O LORD, I call; My rock, do not be deaf to me, for if you are silent to me, I will become like those who go down to the pit. Hear the voice of my supplications when I cry to you for help, when I lift up my hands toward you holy sanctuary..."