When future becomes too much of a burden

Are you happy?

Source: Retrogodesses Vintage kids

When you’re having a conversation with your friends, family, relatives, or new acquaintances, are you happy?

Is your mind present or half of it is already thinking about tomorrow?

I remember one meaningful conversation I had with one of my closest friends back in college. I told him I would be working very hard because I want a fortune. I want a car. I want a big house. Everything materialistic under the sun. He laughed at me and said it can’t be done at once. There has to be a process, and it takes time. I was quite immature so I got annoyed at him while he explained that he was just being practical in life. I understood him even then. But in my futuristic point of view, he was a dream-crusher.

Although a writer and a very keen reader of historical fiction, I am, in fact, a futuristic person. Join me in a conversation and talk about your plans or goals in life, you would find me more enthusiastic than ever. I love talking about how I see myself in the future no matter how impossible it may seem. I love thinking that everything that’s happening to me at the moment is a stepping stone to the glorious future that awaits me. I love planning ahead so when I work on something, it has to be close to perfection because my future lies on it.

But I hate worrying about the future.

Whenever I am too happy or laughing too much in a supposed to be leisure time, half of my thoughts are already into sadness that may come later on. There would always be a moment of silence in my mind whispering, ‘hey, don’t be so happy. It won’t last. It won’t last.’

This isn’t healthy for a spiritually growing Christian. Because when you worry too much, you doubt a faithful God!

“And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.

For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

‘Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.’”

(Luke 12:28-32)

I have a Father who is in heaven—who holds everything and makes an empty basket full and overflowing!

It’s not wrong to dream big, aim for excellence, or plan more than what you need. Such character is actually good because it means you are living for a purpose—and so you cannot settle for less. The problem is when you don’t even know how to live in the moment anymore because your future self has eaten you up.

What I normally do when I look at things I want in the future is utter brief prayers in my mind.

Every time I get to see a car display, I would slow down walking, stare at it, and tell my God, ‘Lord, bless me with a car. In your perfect time.’

Every time I find myself overwhelmed with my schedule in the next few days, I would again pray, ‘Lord, just let me find joy in what’s going to happen today.’

Every time I worry that today’s moments would end too soon, I would say briefly, ‘Lord, just let me cherish the moment so I can smile or laugh about them when I’m feeling down.’

And the list of prayers goes on. It’s not everyday that you’re going to encounter or see the same persons, the same events; so make it a habit to condition your mind into having worry-free thoughts.

Live in the moment. 

I hate myself for turning the negative into positive.

Yes, the title says it all.

I often hate myself for being too kind, understanding, and most of all optimistic; when I have been wishing to keep the pain so the people who have mistreated me would just shy away because they would feel my hatred. I know this sounds too "unhealthy", but I also know everyone has--or may still be experiencing the same feeling. At some point, you knew that "forgiving" would cost you too much, yet you had to let go because you have to free yourself.

Source: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/12/3c/27/123c27912215e230d82377cddd94c8aa.jpg

So how did I come up with such a vague statement? Because after letting go of the burden and being able to smile genuinely to the person who has caused me pain, I would question myself if I ever value my pride. For others, you are strong when you know how to distance and ignore those people--apologetic or not. Some says you are cool if you stood up to you enemy. But perhaps there's just a variety of defense mechanism and it so happened that mine is simply not too complicated.

Whenever I feel wronged, I know it's normal to be angry or sad. I tend to be sad and for some reasons I encounter emptiness. I could sleep for 13 hours or more, or date myself with really nowhere to go to, or work nonstop when I'm emotionally hurting. Most of the time I would solve my sorrow all by myself, knowing that no one could ever soothe me except that one person whom I might still want to be back in my life. Most of the time I would wait. But waiting means longing, and longing means heartache.

When I could no longer endure it, I knew seeking help would make me feel better; I knew I had to pray because my human instincts alone could never ease my growing pain. Those were the moments when I get to realize that it's fine to be weak sometimes, because weak moments will strengthen you further; and gaining back strength does not mean "pay back time", but an indication that you have overcome the negativity.

Yes, I still hate myself for being too kind sometimes. But at the end of the day, I am happy to realize that I am free.

***

Psalm 28:1-2
"To you, O LORD, I call; My rock, do not be deaf to me, for if you are silent to me, I will become like those who go down to the pit. Hear the voice of my supplications when I cry to you for help, when I lift up my hands toward you holy sanctuary..."

Pray more, Rant less, and Be blessed this 2017!

Exhausting, draining, distressing, and thoroughly challenging -- this is how I describe 2016.

If the advice, "you're not the only one struggling and going through tough times in life so don't take it seriously" has some effect on others, then it's no comfort for me. I've set my standards too high -- walls too high that perfection itself is a stumbling block to what I really want to achieve. Often, I feel like I wanted to do things because I wanted the reward and not the experience; that I would plan but not live in the moment. Surely, there's no harm in planning nor there is in being goal-oriented and aiming for success.

The harm is when it becomes your life -- when your big dreams and big goals become your ruler when it should be the other way around. And then it becomes so tiring so you end up being frustrated.

(Source: https://mayazankoul.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/5-overworked.jpg?w=450)

But who knows frustration can be a blessing as well? I've been utterly disappointed in many things last year that I lost count of the times where I only cried soundly in my room because apparently there weren't any right words to soothe me. There was only His words and my complaints. There was only His comfort and my pain. God and me. His love and my love for Him.

(Source: https://t4.ftcdn.net/jpg/01/16/66/93/240_F_116669310_xTReAFo4gbG82HH1gigOWH21NPFyUrlI.jpg)

One night, as I was kneeling and praying, God has lead me to this passage: Isaiah 54:17 - "...no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me," declares the LORD. 

The truth is, I was bothered of what tomorrow may bring me. Would I pass my thesis defense? Would I get a high grade for this output? And so on that particularly involves my college life. With all humility, I told God that I already did the best that I can do, so it was now his work to make his breakthrough. I told him that I want people to see His glory in me -- for them to blessed as well because I carry my Father's heritage. And indeed, He never fails. I am thankful because in my every accomplishment, God stood with me. I am thankful because my prayers had not been in vain.

"He who kneels before God can stand before anyone." - I love this quote so much because I've proven it many times now. And when praying just seems too difficult, I am reminded that I only need a sincere heart because God himself will guide me. "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." (Romans 8:26).

So this 2017, I am expecting more challenges, perhaps bigger than the previous ones. After all, life struggles are always there but our choice on how we're going to deal with them prevails. As for me, I shall continue to pray and pray and pray, and follow His words because apart from Him, I know I am nothing. 

***

God's breakthrough in the life of Samson: A man of strength

I have always admired the story of Samson and how God has appointed him to fight against the Philistines even before he was born. His life could have been so much perfect, with the Lord always at his side, except for one stumbling-block that lead to one of the may tragedies in the Bible.

However much I want to discuss the entire life of Samson, these particular verses had me thinking the greatness of our God in the life of a chosen man, but in his early lifetime had acted in defiance of their law.

Source: https://andywrasman.files.wordpress.com/2015/01/samson.jpg

Judges 14:2

"(2)Then he came up and told his father and mother, 'I saw one of the daughters of the Philistine and Timnah. Now get her to me as my wife.'... (4) His father and mother did not know that it was from the Lord, for he was seeking an opportunity against the Philistines. At that time, the Philistines ruled over Israel."

Most of us may have only heard the names 'Samson and Delilah', and never of this Philistine woman. But it's interesting to note that Samson's first love is a woman against his belief and ways. It's interesting to note that God allowed this, only because he has greater plans out of a seemingly wrong decision.

Even though God knows everything about us, he still gives us the freedom to choose, to decide for ourselves because we have our free will. We can choose the people we want to be with, or the person we want to love as a partner. For who would ever be happy of a forced love, of forced marriage without mutual understanding?

The only problem is most of the time, our plans and our ways are far from what God has planned for us. But God can make something so wrong, so beautiful and proper. This doesn't mean he will approve of your evil deeds--what's sinful remains sinful, this only means that he can straighten your crooked path and take you out from the bondage of our sinful nature.

Samson's decision appears wrong in the eyes of the many, especially it is not within their culture to marry an enemy, but God has made a way to make it possible. "God, in his infinite wisdom and in the exercise of his sovereign power, allowed Samson to utilize his own freedom of choice--foolish though it was--yet the Lord turned the occasion into a victory for Israel over the oppressors." (https://www.christiancourier.com/articles/911-study-of-samson-faith-and-folly-a)

Sadly and unconsciously though, we keep abusing the free will God gave us for our own good. We've become forgetful that 'freedom' comes with God's words and that for us to check if our plans are align with God's, we must have the heart of 'willingness to obey-- to be used by God'. 

Just as Samson possessed 'Courage and Faith', we Christians must always equip ourselves to whatever and wherever God will take us. Sometimes it's the consequence of our sin that we have to be disciplined, and sometimes God just wants us to be put to test and see how long can we hold on. But remind ourselves, as the story of Samson tells us, it is not always about strength or courage or bravery; but faith, wisdom, and dependence to the Lord. 

God cannot break us and enter our lives, after all, if we are not on his side. God cannot pull us out from the pit of downfall, after all, if you keep closing and resisting a light to come even through the tiniest hole. You're all that he's waiting for; and no matter how far you'll go in this life hiding from him, running away from him, you can never silence that little voice coming from your heart--saying, "come back to me, child. You may not need me now, but I need you because I love you. I always do."

Know your calling.

Two years ago, I dreamt of a growing church where I was warmly welcomed by, as far as I remember, children and the youth. I was overwhelmed with gladness because for some reasons, all I knew was that I thirst to serve God so much so I thought I've finally come to the right place. The walls were all painted in white, and there were banners everywhere. But what had caught my attention the most were the sculptures, images, icons, or to say it simply, idols that a born-again Christian must let go upon receiving Jesus Christ as the Lord and Savior. They were displayed just there, in the church I first professed to be filled with anointing. And then suddenly, in my dream, I was walking away. I decided to leave as the youth were having their fellowship. But I promised myself one thing: I will come back.

Dreams cannot be fully remembered by most of us, and that's what I also believe so maybe what I narrated had some variations already from what I actually dreamt. But the whole point is there. I only remember most of the details again when I was singing during the praise and worship practice yesterday, all for the glory of God.

With nothing but a heart of service and worship, three things were revealed to me: white walls, banners, and strongholds.

The church I am serving now was the church I dreamt back then for if not, why would I even remember it again when it didn't make any sense to me at all during the past years? And as amazing as it sound like, the first time I attended this church, I was utterly inspired by the youth leaders who seemed devoted to serve God. But again as I was still confused of my calling, I left but I had no particular idea that I would come back.

The idols that I saw in my dream were the strongholds and the struggles this church had faced but in God's grace, the service goes on. After almost a year that I hadn't visited, I found out that many of the leaders left the church.

The path that you will have to take when you respond to God's calling is painful and hard. Sometimes you will walk alone, and sometimes even your family will discourage you from fulfilling God's plan in your life. But this reality has served as my motivation instead, rather than stopping me. I will not stop because God told me that He will make me strong, repeatedly, until my heart was moved. I will not stop because I'm tired of running away, asking God how exactly does he wants to use me.

I will not stop because this is my calling. And you know it's your calling when God speaks to you while you're doing what He planned for you to do.

***

'For God speaks in one way, and in two, though man does not perceive it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on men, while they slumber on their beds...' - Job 33:14-15

'And in the last days it shall be, God declares, that I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh, and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams;' - Acts 2:17

Most High

 ***

You’ve granted me a gift

I dare not to feat

Because you’ve set me free

I saw hope out of chains

You showered me with love

 I once thought was out of grasp

But every night that I call onto you

I hear you whisper,

“My child, I love you,”

And in those nights I reply,

“I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever,”

Your very words, I utter

As my spirit delights in it

To the girl who still believes in forever.